Healing Relationships - Connection

In honor of 25 years of Risking Connection®, this series explores the heart of the Risking Connection Change Model: R.I.C.H. relationships – those that exemplify Respect, Information, Connection, and Hope – and the real challenges of living them out. Join LaVerne Baker Hotep and Patricia Wilcox, LCSW, on November 12th to learn more about how R.I.C.H. relationships are healing relationships.
Now we turn to Connection.

Connection is the central concept in a trauma-informed approach. People heal within relationships. Our programs should offer our clients R.I.C.H. relationships and train staff how to utilize these relationships for the most powerful healing.

Some of the complexities of this approach become clear when we talk about the fact that relationships flow in both directions; these relationships affect both staff and clients, and all of who each of us are is what shapes the relationship.

People sometimes assume that because Trauma-Informed Care emphasizes relationships and speaking from the heart, we are throwing out the idea of boundaries. Quite the opposite is true! For relationships to be safe and healing, the boundaries must be clear, reliable, and trustworthy.

Because abuse is in its essence a violation of boundaries, it is especially important that we pay attention to boundaries when working with clients who've been abused. Our clients may have experienced major boundary violations, such as sexual abuse. They may have also experienced many other chronic, less obvious boundary problems. Many of our clients have had to handle responsibilities far beyond was is/was reasonable for their age, such as an eight-year-old being responsible for her two-year-old sister. They have been way too involved in adult issues at young ages, such as being worried about the rent or finding food. They may have been exposed to adult sexuality and to relationship worries. They may have had to parent their parents, for example caring for a sick mother, listening to parental problems, or helping to ease a parent’s depression.

So many temptations can arise for staff. We may want to give the clients gifts; take them to lunch; give things or money to the family; etc. The family may give the therapist a gift. We consider sharing personal information, either because we feel close to the client or we think it would help them. The client may tell us a secret, on the condition that we don’t tell the rest of the team. When the client is leaving, we may consider giving them our email address. We wonder if we should give a goodbye hug.

In our training, we emphasize that as a staff you should TALK ABOUT every decision that is outside your job description before saying anything to the client or family. Talk with your supervisor or your team. It may be just the thing to do; it may be dangerous to the client or the group. But it is much easier to make the right choice when you step back, take time to think, and talk with someone else.

That we even have these dilemmas illustrates how much the clients and/or families matter to each of us. And so, with each of these real connections comes our exposure to the pain the client is feeling. When a sad thing happens to them, we feel it too. It is often hard to stay with that pain – we often just wish to fix it. At least part of that impulse is to shield ourselves from really experiencing the painful world of the client.

Connection. It’s been a scary thing in the clients' lives. It has its complications in our own lives. Yet it is what makes us human, what builds our brains, and what weaves us all together.

Let’s look at our settings and consider how we are supporting connections in the way we do things.